You Are The ExpertAdmission free. Opinions mandatory.

You are
the expert.

Welcome to the only gallery where every critique is blank. We hung the art. We printed the labels. We simply forgot to hire a critic. That critic is now you. No qualifications required, only a straight face.

A red dot means the work has been critiqued. At this gallery, a red dot is worth more than a sale.

A bold, colourful abstract painting hanging alone on a white gallery wall, with visitors looking at it
Room 1, permanent collection

The works

Stand in front of a work. Tilt your head slightly. Press the button. The gallery will supply the vocabulary; you supply the confidence. You may also write your own critique in the box, by hand, like a true professional.

Your rank:Visitor0 critiques written
Reading room

The glossary

Six words that will carry you through any opening night. Use them slowly. Never explain them.

LiminalAnything between two things. A corridor. A Tuesday. This website.
InterrogatesWhat a painting does when it just sits there.
MaterialityThe fact that the sculpture is made of something. Say it with awe.
TensionTwo colours that do not obviously get along. Point at the border between them.
GestureA brushstroke you would call a smudge at home.
Post-Can be placed in front of any word to make it twice as serious. Post-blue. Post-lunch.
Notice by the cloakroom

House rules

Every critique is correct. That is the whole point of criticism.

Stand at least two metres from the work, and one step further if you are about to say "my kid could do that".

Nod slowly. Fast nodding suggests you understood, which is considered rude.

If anyone asks what you do, say "I write". Do not elaborate.

A minimalist sculpture of a single blue cube on a white pedestal in a bright gallery